I used to dread Mother's Day...
May 19, 2020
... but every year it gets better and better.
Because no matter how much Ryan did to make it special, Mother's Day would often be filled with expectations and resentment.
Because I would have all kinds of expectations about what it should be, get my hopes up about the what the day would be like.
I figured I would get breakfast in bed and be waited on all day... and never touch a dirty dish.
And that Ryan would magically know all of what I wanted, and make it happen.
Needless to say, Mother's Day never turned out like that, and I would be disappointed.
What I've learned about special days is that it is my own responsibility to make it the best day ever for me.
No one is doing to read my mind.
For example, Ryan was going to get me something I didn't really want and he asked me about it first.
(A few years ago I would have not wanted to hurt his feelings, and said yes, even though I didn't really want one.)
"Well actually, what I would really like is a garden."
The previous owners had a garden area that I've been wanting to refurbish, but as I dug in, I realized what a monstrous project it would be.
This morning as I started to dig some more, I started to feel resentful.
I thought, "Okay, so now I'm going to spend whole weekend working on this thing?"
(Forgetting that 'duh' I can ask for help. But in moments like this my brain sometimes goes into false programming where it feels like I'm all alone in whatever I'm doing)
But I've trained myself to be present in these moments, and I stopped and asked myself,
"Okay, this isn't about Ryan not wanting to help me. I'm choosing to do this by myself right now. "
"What if this were easy?"
Which is something I always ask my clients who have a habit of unintentionally making things too hard on themselves.
Then it suddenly occurred to me that instead of digging out all of the rocks and putting a whole garden bed, I could just get some half whiskey barrels and put them on the rocks.
I suddenly got the energy and motivation to make my garden.
Got the supplies, and put it all together.
(But at first I felt annoyed because I wanted to do it myself, and felt that he was butting in in my project.
And AGAIN I stopped myself when I felt my frustration rising, and asked myself,
"Why am I annoyed? What is Ryan's intention for helping me?
Oh he cares about me and my project, and wants to be helpful.
Okay! I can deal with that."
See, I'm in the middle of a process of reprogramming myself to feel more loved. And what anchors the new pattern in is moments like this where I stop my pattern and resolve it right then and there.)
Because I known to be present with my feelings, and pause before reacting, I was able to let Ryan take over the parts of the project that he was extra particular about, instead of taking it personally and arguing about how it should be done.
(This is what I was notoriously known for - taking every little thing personally, therefore reaffirming my old belief that I wasn't loved or cared for)
I love that this ended up being a true team effort of love and collaboration.
All possible because I was willing to look at my personal responsibility in the interactions that were triggering to me.
So instead of dreading Mother's Day this year, it gets to be the best ever <3
Moms, even though we want others to make this weekend great, because we deserve to have one day of the year where we get to have what we want.
But no one has the power to make us happy, except for ourselves.
No matter how hard another person tries to make us happy on Mother's Day, if we don't take responsibility for our happiness and fulfillment, then we probably still won't be happy.
What kind of experience do you want this weekend?
What would it take to make that happen?
Tell your family what you want, and make sure you get it - and remember it may not come in the form you expect, but it will often be even better than you imagined. <3
If you came into your marriage with inner programming from childhood that causes you to feel underappreciated, unworthy, or not good enough, it's essential for your marriage to resolve the false beliefs.
Those beliefs are causing tension in the marriage that will continue to get worse and worse, until you do something about it.
Just because you have felt a certain way your whole life, doesn't mean you can't change it.
Once you have the tools and processes, you can change your patterns quickly.
If you want to learn about my proven process, EERT, let me know...because it can be a whole lot easier <3
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